I need to

write down some shit on my mind because it’s brewing inside me and I just need to release it, let go , and move on.

So, I hate dating. Let me explain. I’ve been dating this super awesome woman named Samantha. She is different than the other women in my life and has unique interests, a straight forward personality where she’ll call me out when I’m being stupid and insensitive and will also randomly let me know that she thinks I’m a good man. She has the cutest voice/laugh and incredible distracting eyes. For the sake of time I’ll summarize the rest by saying she is amazing and gorgeous and makes me feel very good.

The problem arrises because, while she indicates that she is very fond of me on a regular basis, she also makes it clear that I should NOT consider her my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for a little over a month so I don’t see that as being strange… but it is difficult.

I’m wrestling in my own mind to come to terms with what it is I want in a relationship. I feel this intense pull towards her, but it seems to be somewhat out of control. I can’t bring myself to stop thinking about her or wanting to be with her. I don’t feel as though those feelings are 100% reciprocated, which, again, I don’t find strange. I find MY behavior strange and that is where the majority of my frustration stems from. 

I used to be a very clingy/possessive boyfriend, but have since experienced more of life and have seen a lot of progress in my own development in that department. Yet, these feelings of wanting to spend so much time with her and thinking about her so much make me fear that I haven’t fully gotten over those habits. 

I am able to give her space, but it is not natural, it is forced. I have to consciously consider my words and actions to make sure I’m not coming across as over eager. I’m constantly trying to play everything off cool even though I would love nothing more than to tell her that in a short time frame she has become a very important person in my life and I get very happy thinking about some semblance of a future with her. 

What I don’t get is how I got so wrapped up so quickly. It seems most everyone else is able to gradually develop feelings for someone else and not dive head first into it. This is where I believe the key to my problems lies. 

Samantha is an incredible person that I care about a lot, but I feel like my feelings for her are not entirely caused by her. I feel that I desire a relationship lifestyle that only comes with time, but I’m impatient and want it NOW. More specifically, I want a wife. There is no way to avoid declaring that. I want to be married. I want to be able to let a woman know that I am willing to make the ultimate commitment to them… but (and this is where I get scared) perhaps more importantly I want a woman to let me know that she is willing to make the ultimate commitment to me. 

I don’t know why, but that seems very selfish, dependent, possessive, and clingy to me. A sophisticated, grown, independent woman appreciates her independence and wants a man with his own aspirations, independence, and class. I feel like I have those qualities, but they start to dwindle as soon as a woman shows interest in me. I latch on to that feeling of being appreciated and liked.

To go all psychiatrist for a bit, I will say that my parents were extremely loving and supportive of me growing up so I don’t believe that this overwhelming desire to feel loved comes from any parental emotional abuse. Admittedly, I have been hurt a lot in the past by girls/women, but the intensity of that pain only came about because I was this way beforehand. So where does this comes from. 

[Side Note: Literally seconds ago, while in the middle of writing this I just received this message from her “You are so great! I am so happy that I have you in my life” I don’t think anyone will ever understand how incredible reading something like that makes me feel]

I think that as a young boy, before girls were in the picture, although honestly they’ve almost always been in the picture, this sentence is going nowhere so I’m ending it there and picking up with a different thought. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old so I don’t remember it and I didn’t really develop a relationship with my biological father, but my step-dad came into my life at 2.5 years old so he is all I’ve known as a father and he has been the greatest dad ever. So if I’m being honest with myself I can’t say that my parents divorce has affected me, at least not in regards to my own relationships.

I was completely planning on trying to analyze this and path out where this need for affirmation, love, and affection started from, but a thought just passed through my mind. It doesn’t matter as much where this personality quirk came from, but instead what I should focus on is where that is going. Now to be fair to myself, that is the majority of my thought process as indicated by what I referenced earlier to my constant thought into my words and actions. I am aware of this part of my personality and am focusing on how to develop it into something more positive.

However, curiosity of this part of me and it’s origins is as normal as someone wanting to trace their ancestry. I really am having trouble thinking of how this might have cropped up in the definition of what it means to be Kyle. I can only think that being abandoned or rejected at a very young age might have instilled this level of mistrust and second guessing nature of myself. I have no clue what event in my life what qualify as such because as I said my parents divorce is not even in my conscious memory.

Ultimately this comes down to me wanting to feel reassured that a woman can care about me on a deeper level than any other person ever will. I know without a doubt that I have the capacity to love a woman to an extent that is almost incomprehensible to myself and when I think about how great that feeling of feeling so much for someone else makes ME feel, I yearn to make a woman experience that same phenomenon.

I know I can’t control how anyone feels about me and that is what I’m working on when I’m giving Sam space. I’m trying to let myself know that I can’t rely on her affection to fulfill my self esteem and sense of worth. I’m very good at doing this when I’ve been single for a while and have no romantic attachments to anyone. I am able to focus on myself and truly feel fulfilled and satisfied with my place in the universe. 

Now I’m learning how to balance the two notions. Caring for someone else, while still maintaining a relationship with myself. Essentially sharing myself, with myself. I have no problem sharing myself with a woman, but remembering to focus on me is where I stumble. 

What I can say assuredly is that in this most recent of relationships that I find myself in, I am very happy when I’m with her and I’m learning a lot about appreciating myself as well.

Weird Sisters Latest Album Sales Predictions Low, Teen Heartthrob Jurin Beezer the Cause?

To say that the Weird Sisters have had a successful run in the music industry over the last three decades would be the understatement of those last three decades. At times throughout the bands history it seemed as if they were the only magical musical act in the world.

Their 8 albums have sold a staggering 11 million copies worldwide. They have had 6 world tours that have sold out at every stop. Their hit collaboration single with singer Celestina “The Singing Sorceress” Warbeck, “Music is Magic”, has raised just south of a million galleons to help provide impoverished children around the world with musical instruments, along with food, clothing, and quills and other school supplies.

Through it all the Weird Sisters have not only provided the global wizarding community with loads of entertainment, but they have become the pulse of not just one but many generations with such universal truth to their lyrical prowess. Now, however, it seems that the Weird Sisters are on their way to transfiguring into just a cultural memory with pre-order sales for their upcoming release of their new album “Time Turning + Firebolt Burning” at an all time low. Many believe the person to blame for this is an ordinary teenager.

16 year old Jurin Beezer, Glasgow, Scotland, has taken the music world by storm almost overnight. Despite being underage and not being able to perform magic for his shows Beezer has become the voice playing on every young witches radio. Golden yellow locks with streaks of blue rise out from his head in every direction like he is in a perpetual state of electric shock which matches his electrical sound mixed in with a bit of classical violin.

He lists some of his musical influences as classical wizard composer Josev VanChlime and muggle band Harry and the Potters. Beezer’s debut album shot to the top of the charts just two days after its release and his single, “Somebody to Stun”, has been number one for the last 3 weeks straight.

“He’s very mature for his age and he knows a lot about life already at such a young age. And the fact that he’s really cute doesn’t hurt either,” says third year Hogwarts student Cheress Youlie.

Beezer’s success is a rarity in the magical music industry especially when considering his background. He was home schooled by his mother, who Beezer admits is also very musically talented. His mother told us, “When he wasn’t studying he was practicing”. Practicing one of the five musical instruments that are now part of his unique act. There are pictures around the Beezer house of Jurin playing with a drum set as a baby in the bathtub. Now, well he still plays the drums in a bathtub, but it’s on a stage in front of thousands of screaming young witches. 

So what does this mean for the future of the Weird Sisters? Does Beezer’s success represent a shift in musical taste of the masses or is it simply a cultural phase that will soon be squelched by a resurgence of Weird Sister supporters?

“We’ve never been about the fame or money. All of us have loved this journey and will continue to make music as long as it’s in our hearts to do,” lute player for the Weird Sisters, Herman Wintringham, said in a recent interview with the Daily Prophet.

Whether or not Beezer continues to grow in popularity it’s safe to say that the Weird Sisters lasting impression on many aspects of wizarding culture is a spell that will live on.

We all got our Hogwarts letters today.

I would love to spend an entire year being completely honest about everything. I believe there is an actual movement for it called, Radical Honesty. I think that would be very interesting/enlightening to try out someday.

What I’ve Done

I have reached a crossroad in my life. I’ve completed the first stage of my life and am trying to figure out how to make the next stage as successful and filled with happiness as  possible. I figure one way to help guide me is look back at what I’ve accomplished in my life so far to remind myself of the hard work I’ve done to get to where I am now.

- I graduated from high school with two associates degrees.

- I have written a book and many other short stories.

- I ran for my high school’s varsity cross country team and was our number 1 runner for one race.

- I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Broadcast Media.

- I got a job working in video production.

- I made new friends in a place that I had no connections to.

- I had my heart broken and came out not only alive, but much more aware of who I consider myself to be.

- I reached a point in my life where financially I don’t have to rely on anyone else to support me.

- I helped others to overcome (or at least get through) the obstacles they face in their lives.

- I learned to laugh about most things in life and see the beauty in the sad.

- I overcame almost all of my insecurities and have learned how to deal with the very few I have remaining.

- I got in better physical shape than I ever thought I would be.

- I learned more about dealing with people that I don’t get along with.

- I discovered what hard work truly is and that it’s something I enjoy.

Recognizing these accomplishments I feel more secure that I will be able to add many more to this list as long as I put the same amount of effort into everything I do in life as I have so far and never lose the feeling of constant gratitude that I have built up inside of me.

"We can all be famous and superstars and rich and powerful. Everyone can be happy 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Everything we do in life is important and worth mentioning. And remember in the game of friends it’s about quantity over quality. This is our generation and we will mold the world how we see fit."

one-twenty-five:

Because great things, need to be shared

John Legend | Rolling in the Deep (Adele Cover)

"Personalities may clash in society from time-to-time, therefore we must exercise some sense of diplomacy in order to maintain civility, but not to the point that it hinders, or even halts, the production of creative ideas. We need to feel comfortable to speak our minds without fear of personal retribution, while at the same time leave ourselves open to the possibility of growth attained through external influences."

A New Resolve for a New Year

- Get back to working out and exercising. Lately I’ve been feeling more sluggish and fatigued throughout the day. I partly blame this on my constantly shifting sleeping habits (I was going to sleep at 8p and waking up at 4a, but now I’m typically in bed at 3a and wake up somewhere around 11a). With my new job though, I will have a more structured schedule so that should fix that little hiccup. However, I think the big reason I feel more exhausted is because I have let my exercise routine fade into the background. Working out helped me sleep better at night and in turn have more energy in the day. Also, I just enjoy being physically active. The only trick now is figuring out how to get in that cardio work with all this snow. I’m contemplating getting an exercise bike to put in my room just to tide me over until the weather clears up.

- Work hard at my new job and save as much money as I can. I’ve never had an issue with budgeting my finances, but the problem I do have is saving. I always make sure I have enough money to pay for the essentials, but then whatever is left over I use to indulge myself. I often rationalize this by reminding myself how hard I work to earn that money, but (and I don’t mean to diminish myself here) in actuality I have a lot more time and energy than I give myself credit for and I’m not constantly working like I like to make myself and others sometimes believe. I have already started on the right path towards saving my money and would like to continue that. 

- Going along with the concept of money I would also like to use a portion of my increased income to take out a bigger chunk of my student loans than I expected to. This promotion is going to allow me to make payments double the amount of what I am required to pay and I would like to stay convicted in not just paying the minimum required payment. My goal is to pay off my loans in 6 years (5 years if I somehow manage to get a raise at some point during that time.) 

- Stay connected with friends and family. This year I began a trend of calling home more frequently than I was prone to doing while in college and it has felt great not only for myself being able to talk to them, but to know that they are happy when they get to hear my voice too. Over the last few months I have increased my circle of friends and have enjoyed getting to know all these new people. I know it will be difficult to keep those connections strong with some of the new developments occurring in mine and everyone else’s lives, but I am going to put an effort into maintaining those relationships anyway.

- Be Happy. This last year has been one of the happiest years of my life (post-10 years old when my only responsibilities were to go to school and play). I attribute this to many different obstacles I overcame since the fall of 2009. From that time I have rediscovered what it is that interests me in life and what I want to do with the time I have. I’ve also completely rebuilt my views on relationships and what role I would like to serve in them. Most importantly though, I’ve just chosen to be happy. It’s like what Barney Stinson from “How I Met Your Mother” says, “When I get sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead.” We have much more control over our emotions than I think we give ourselves credit for and all it takes to be happy is appreciating all the good in our lives. This year I have been able to maintain an almost constant appreciation and gratitude towards the good things in my life and that is ultimately why I almost always happy. I like being the guy to laugh at almost any joke, or the one who always comes into work with a smile. I take pride in being the person that others come to for advice because they see how happy I am and want to get to that same place in life. 

- I want to own more suits. I feel comfortable in a suit, in any environment, and it doesn’t bother me when people are confused or ask “Why are you dressed up?”. I simply reply, “This is how I dress.” Having said that I only own 2 suits and I would like a few more to add some more variety to the mix. 

- I want to be viewed as an adult by other adults. This one is kind of a silly one, but also kind of serious. I feel like other adults that are older than me see me as a kid still and I can’t really blame them because conventional wisdom dictates that a 21 year old is still and kid and doesn’t really have a lot of life experience (also physically I still look young, which isn’t so much a complaint, but just a fact of life because I am physically young). However, I would like to be the kind of person that people look up to and respect. I want to become a role model. I know that these are things that must be earned and I’m not saying that I don’t want to work for that, I’m just saying that it’s something I aspire to achieve as soon as possible.

- Keeping in step with the previous one, I would like 2011 to be the year that I create something that inspires/entertains people. I haven’t really given this a whole lot of thought, but I always felt that there is a hidden potential within me to create something that would grab people’s attention and help them in someway to lead happier lives. As I said, I haven’t given it a ton of consideration so I’m not sure what it will look like, but it is something I plan on putting more thought into.

2010 - A legen… wait for it… dary year that I am so grateful for all the things that happened in it.

2011 - I know I am capable of making 2011 an even better year so it has the potential to be the best year ever.

Advice for the Ages

0-10 yrs. old - Share with others.

11-16 yrs. old - Be yourself.

17-25 yrs. old - Take chances.

26-33 yrs. old - Work hard.

34-50 yrs. old - Experience something new.

51-69 yrs. old - Teach others.

70-forever - Have fun and love.

Her.

Rocking back and forth in the calm waves he slides his fingers through the water. Swiftly he rushes his hands through and flings hundreds of drops into the air. As he follows the glittering beads of water with his eyes the sun begins to mar his vision, but in the single moment just before turning his eyes away he sees the drops reach the peak of their climb and enter into a momentary state of weightlessness. In this minuscule amount of time he feels a pause in the wind as well and his own weightlessness takes shape within. His eyes drop together with the sluggishly falling orbs as they make their way back to the riverbed and silhouetted against the shimmering and smooth flowing water is the form of a dream he has had countless times.

Her.

Day at the beach.

Moscow in the summer

Gardyn - Pogo

I love this and all of his stuff.